Awkward Moment of the Day, Week, Month, Year, Decade, Century, Millenium, etc.

***DISCLAIMER***
The contents of this story may or may not have happened the way it is written here. But it did happen. Peoples names have been disguised (to the best of my ability) to protect their identities


Flashback to last weekend. We were @ the Club "On Top" doing our business. When I say we I am referring to myself, "Ted", "Barry", "Raul" and the newest addition to the team "bRyan". It was an uneventful night. Mainly because my liver was acting like a bitch and so, I decided not to drink that night. I went to the bar to get some water and saw a familiar face there. It was "Robin!". After saying what's up to him HE did something he has never done before and he bought me a drink. This led me to believe that he was pretty drunk at that time. Although I was trying not to drink (thanks to my livers BitchAssNess) I couldn't say no to a free drink. After that I went about my night normally, until I ran into "Robin!" again. He was walking by me in a big crowd of people, so I decided to mess with him. He was wearing one of the sponsors T-shirts for the event and so was everyone else working at the club. Bouncers, bartenders, waitresses, busboys, bathroom attendants, etc. So it looked like he worked there. This is how the conversation went...

Me: Excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is, sir. Cause by looking at your t-shirt I can tell you work here.

Robin!: HAHAHA (sarcastically). OK. its down that hallway, to the left, up the stairs, around the corner and come back down (To which he gestured with his hands and attempted to stick a few fingers IN MY BOOTYHOLE!!!)

Me: (I quickly slapped his arms away and yelled out) WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, MAN!!!

Robin!: (as he walks away in the crowd of people sticking out his middle finger) FUCK YOU MAN!!! FUCK YOU!!!


NOW! You're probably thinking, c'mon man he was drunk and he was messing around. Stop being so homophobic. BUT FUCK THAT!!! I've been drunk before. Shit! I've been shit-housed, Tucker Max, Hurricane Ernie Drunk on numerous occasions (I'm pretty sure that all you reading this can attest to that) and I don't know about you, but I have NEVER, and I mean NEVER attempted to finger another man in the bootyhole! It's just absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable behavior. I genuinely felt violated. I can only imagine that's the feeling that women get when they get raped. I know that this might seem like a little much, comparing it to something so severe as rape. But that's how I honestly felt. And like I said previously, "The only person touching my bootyhole is gonna be me. And the only time that's happening is when I'm done taking a shit and I gotta wipe my ass!" I'm trying to end this blog on a good note or with some kind of relevant quip. But I can't. It just ends with the fact that someone tried to penetrate the impenetrable.

As a sidenote: I hate you guys. First off, is it my fault that some obviously gay guy wants to attempt to finger my bootyhole?!? Or that I'm in said fingerers top 10 or whatever?!? It's not my fault that I'm Debonaire, daper and desirable to a plethora of different people. This reminds me of a That 70's Show episode where Fes has a dream that Kelso is giving him a sponge bath. And when Kelso (being the village idiot) finds out about it he says, "You know what Fes' dream means right... It means I'm Gay!!" The only thing is, is that I'm not the village idiot and I can most assuredly say that I'm not gay. Just because someone else is having gay fantasies about me, doesn't mean that I should be clumped into his/her own homosexual agenda. And lastly, Auntie Gia has never questioned my gayness. (I guess I could end the blog with a relevant quip)