An Alcoholics Memories: Captain Cockbeard

***********************Disclaimer***************************
Names have been changed for privacy reasons. And no, they do not rhyme with the real persons name.
***********************Dissmlammer**************************

This story happened about 4-5 years ago. I was throwing a rager at my house and wanted it to be the party of all parties. So I had a keg, beer pong table, flip cup table and I invited all the jerks and degenerates that I knew. The party was a big blur in my head today due to all the alcohol that I've consumed in subsequent years. But from what I do remember it went off without any problems (If you count girls yaking on my bathroom floor and the whole house smelling like liquor as 'not a problem'). After cleaning everything up "Bernie" and I were the only ones left at my house.

as a sidenote: One thing about Bernie is that he pretty much introduced me to drinking as a sport. And also to all the games that come along with drinking. One of those games being the Shaprie game. If you don't know what the sharpie game is then........step your drinking game up hahahaha. Basically, when drinking, the first person to knock out is free game. Get a sharpie and go to town on that persons body. Preferably the face, legs, head and arms. Usually, the end of the game is taking pictures of the sharpie faced person for blackmail purposes or to get them immortalized on the website CollegeHumor.com.

Ok. Now back to the story. Bernie passed out at about 2-230am after we got done cleaning out the crib. He knew the rules when he passed out and yet he still passed out. What most people dont understand is that I am an artist with a sharpie. So, I grabbed the sharpie and like Picasso with a brush I created a masterpiece. I started with the obligatory name writing on the forehead and followed that with the patented swaztika on the back of the neck. hahahaha. I followed all of that with my greatest mastepiece to date.......Captain Cockbeard!!! There's a few steps to making Captain Cockbeard and they are as followed: I drew a full eyepatch....(let me give you time to gather that) yes, a full eyepatch around his right eye complete with the drawn on elastic band going around Bernie's bald head. I followed that with the classic unibrow and a Rollie Fingers/Jack Sparrow curly mustache (by the way mustaches are the greatest thing since sliced bread, but thats a whole other Blog). Then after all this I added the final touch. I started by drawing the shaft of a cock, complete with the veins and balls, across Bernie's cheecks. The Balls were drawn at his sideburns and the shaft ended at Bernie's lips. Just picture that now in your head..............go ahead I'll give you some time to picture that........ OK, if you still can't picture it. The balls and shaft of the cock were not only a beard but also a cockhead going into CAPTAIN COCKBEARDS mouth. All that to go along with the eye patch, unibrow, curly mustache and swaztika. hahahaha.

What's crazy is that this isn't the end of the story. So Capt. Cockbeard was knocked out asleep in the guestroom of my house. It's about 230-3am and a few friends show up to chill after the party. "Barry", "Friostedy", "Yackie", "Bone" and "Pien" show up to kick it. I proceed to show them the great piece of artwork that I've created on Bernie. We were looking at him at laughing for a awhile and then he finally woke up. He got up and we all ran out of the room. He didnt notice anything wrong and he went to the bathroom. He took a leak and then proceeded to wash his hands. After getting done washing his hands he started to walk out of the bathroom and then he looked at the mirror. hahahaha. He then slammed the door to the bathroom and started rubbing off (and destroying) the artwork all over his face. He came out of the bathroom with his face still having alot of smudges of black all over it. He saw all of us sitting on the couchs cracking up and laughing our asses off. The first thing he did as he came out of the bathroom was jump on me. He started to attack me and he happened to wrestle me down to the couch. In the process he elbowed me across the nose and my nose started to gush blood all over my face and his arms.
It was kind of funny cause I told him in a calm voice, "Bernie, my nose is bleeding please stop." Then he stopped turned towards Friostedy, who was laughing uncontrollably, and he grabbd him threw him to the ground and had him in an armlock in about 2 seconds. It was crazy how fast it happened. He continued to crank his arm back and he started yelling at him saying, "Did you do it? Did you do it?". To which Friostedy replied, "No, it wasnt me!!!!!!!!" Friostedy was yelling and it seemed like he was crying. Then Yackie started yelling at Bernie and and trying to persuade him to let Friostedy go. Finally, Bernie let him go, I think he wanted to make sure that he sufficently hurt him enough so that he wouldnt do anything to him again. Even though he had nothing to do with the CockBeard. After he got done making Friostedy cry he turned his attention to the next person who was laughing. Barry was sitting down laughing and Bernie turned to him and simply started choking him. The kind of choke that the Undertaker would do before he would ChokeSlam someone. So he was choking Barry and at the same time asking him, "Did you do this? Huh, MotherFucker. Did you do this?" What was funny was that Barry was being choked so he couldnt even answer the question. After drunk Bernie realized that Barry couldnt answer him because he was choking him he let him go. Barry was trying to say that he didnt have anything to do with what was going on. After all this Bernie simply just walked to the door and said, "I'm going home." Then he just walked out and stumbled home as the GREAT CAPTAIN COCKBEARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE fucking END.