Awkward Moment of the Day

A couple of nights ago, "Barry" and I were chilling @ my crib at like 1-2 AM. He was posting shit on eBay and I was playing Halo3. We both started getting hungry, so we decided to go on a late night food run. The only things open that late at night are burrito shops and Jack in the Box (or as I like to call it "Yack in the Box"). We agreed on the latter and made our way to Yacks. We ordered our food with no problems, but then, some weird things started happening. We pulled up to the window and paid. Then the guy at the window asked us to move around and park and wait for the food. This wouldn't be anything out of the ordinary, except that IT WAS 2 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING and there was no one behind us or even in the vicinity of the Yack besides us. I was unnerved by the weird request, but Barry insisted that I was being paranoid. I believed that they asked us to move around to the front so that we wouldnt be able to see them spit in our burgers, or some gay as shit like that. Then in a shocking turn of events my paranoia was proven correct. The guy came out of the Yack in the Box with our food in tow. But the fucking weird thing was that he was only WEARING ONE SHOE!?!?!?!? He came out the door limping with one shoe on and the other foot in a white sock. We started to laugh our asses off. Because there was ABSOLUTELY no reason for this guy to be walking around with no shoes on. This made both of us think about what the fuck this dude was doing in the back, for him to be wearing one shoe. It probably whould have made us think twice about eating those Yacks burgers but, FUCK IT! We were hungry! Hahaha!!!
The End. Bitch.

Chris Chambers: Fantasy Files

YouTube Video of the Day: Delivering Bad News

Comic Con 2008 Adventures Part 1

July 24th-27th San Diego is invaded by a mob of tourist hailing from different parts of the world. This phenom is known simple as Comic Con!

I wasn't even expecting on attending, but Raul said he could get press passes so I was like cool. Attended on Wednesday for preview night and it was busy as hell. I've been attending the convention for years and I've never seen preview night so busy. Right away, thumbs down. I've came to the conclusion that if it's this busy on preview night, imagine the rest of the week. It was so hard to get moving through the isle, it was pissing me off. Luckily for me I didn't run into smelly ass fan boys like I always do. It's like these assholes find attending the comic con as a free pass to not shower!!! I hate it!!!

Thursday rolls by and I go to a photoshoot @ Nick Pinto's house. Damn, that was the highlight of the month...haha..3 girls running around in lingerie is always a plus in my book. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing. Usually I'm good in keeping my meat stick at bay, but watching these girls topless in thongs and garters I could help but go from 6 to 12. DAMN!!! Kristian and Sophia...slammin! Raul calls me saying that he got a press badge but its like 3 in the afternoon already and there was no way I was going to leave the photoshoot over comic con. F that!

The night comes quick and I get a call from Optimusvolts aka Isaac. He tells me that his wife has work in the morning and I should use her badge. "Sounds great, but what happens when she's off work? I'm going to have to give it back and what I'm I suppose to be have?" Optimus says in a serious voice "Lets make a fake badge!" As usual I'm always down when it comes to shiznit like that. It's fun! I pick up Optimus at his residence and his wife is just shaking her head as we head out to home depot to buy yellow spray paint. I know what she was thinking, two grown men counterfitting comic con passes..WTF..LOL
We already had it down:
1. Take an old lanyard and erase the color using acetone
2. Mask off parts of the lanyard
3. Spray paint lanyard.
4. Find the font to match lettering for the lanyard
5. Use plotter to make lettering stencil
6. Put stencil over the lanyard and spray paint it black

This was our end result.


Hahaha it wasn't perfect, but it was worth a shot. Which one is the fake and which one is real? Heres a hint....look at the names..haha

We finish up the badges around 11pm. I head over Roels house to show him the finished product. He grins. I call Raul telling him to get a press pass for Friday and he sounds hesitant. He says "Yeah dont worry, I'll get one" I'm like...hmmm. Marolyn(Rauls GF) calls and says that she has a complimentary pass for tomorrow. Score! I tell Roel to go with Optimus & I the following day. Roel "Aren't you gonna use this for tomorrow?" Barry " Hell no! I have my fake badge!" After minutes of deliberation Roel decides to roll. It's 1:30am in the morning when I leave his house. We planned on being at the convention at 8:00am. Good luck because I haven't woke up that early in awhile and you all know how Roel is..LOL

This was going to be an interesting day indeed! My fake badge @ the convention....

Awkward Moment of the Day

So yesterday I was in the lunch room at work and the new girl comes in holding her coffee mug and a huge wad of one dollar bills. I was just about to leave and I spotted the stack and I turned to her and said "Wow, you just be flashin' around a huge wad of cash like that?"

New Girl: Oh this? Hahahaha. I was just gonna get something from the vending machine.

Me: That's a lot of $1's

New Girl: Oh, it's from my other job

Me: (*eyes get really big and mouth opens*) Really!?!?!?!?!

New Girl: Wait, that didn't sound right. (*laughter*) I have another job working at Roy's as a hostess and we split the tips with the servers.

Me: Oh, I was about to say.....

New Girl: That would have been really awkward if you walked out and I didn't get to finish explaining. (*laughter*)

Random YouTube Video of the day: Charles Barkley is a Dumbass

Comic Con Stories part 1

Raul was telling me about the pix he took at Comic Con. "I didn't take any pix of chicks cuz they were all ugly as f*ck. You know it's bad when you a guy and girl are dressed up as Superman and Superwoman, and the guy has a better ass than the chick!"

Hahahahahahahaha! WTF? Raul was checkin' out dudes asses. OMG!

Burrito Quest 2: Mi Ranchito's California Burrito

On my second trip of Burrito Quest, I ended up going to Mi Ranchito Taco Shop at the request of my friends. In the South Bay, Mi Ranchito is known for producing huge ass burritos. They were so huge, that most couldn't even handle the whole thing. But the clue word there is were.

First off, Mi Ranchito is located deep in Imperial Beach. In fact, it is right across the street from the beach, which makes it the ideal beach meal. Compared to most taco shops, Mi Ranchito is tiny. The kitchen takes up most of the store, while the 4 booths are all cramped together. There is however, 2-3 tables outside where you can enjoy your meal while enjoying the beach air.

As usual, I ordered the California Burrito, or what I refer to as the 'Chito Burrito. The price was very good, being at $4-something. The wait is usually long, being at around a 15 minute wait. I recommend calling ahead of time, so that your food is ready at pick-up. While waiting, I went next door to the liquor store to pickup a can of Arizona Mucho Mango. For me, this compliments and completes my 'Chito Burrito meal.

Receiving my burrito, I notice that the size has declined over the years. Years ago, I remember them being atleast a foot in length, and the width to be that of an atheletes' bicep. Now however, the size has dropped a few inches in length and lost a great amount of thickness. Still though, it is much bigger than your average taco shop's burrito.

After biting into my burrito, it was safe to say the taste was still delicious. While most go to Mi Ranchito for the size, I go for the taste. As I stated in my last Quest, the California Burrito ingredients vary. In 'Chito's case, they went with the carne asada, fries, cheese, guacamole, and sour cream combo. While most disagree, I find this combo to be the best taste-wise. Anyways, the carne asada was nice and tender, the fries golden brown, the cheese nice and melted. The guac and sour cream had the right amount to compliment the other ingredients.

What will make your 'Chito Burrito even better is the hot sauce. Their hot sauce differs from other taco shops in thickness. While most of them offer hot sauce in liquid form, Mi Ranchito offers thick and chunky hot sauce, almost like pizza sauce. You can also taste a hint of pizza sauce when trying it out. Next door is a pizza parlor, so I wouldn't be surprised if they mix the pizza sauce with their own hot sauce. The sauce is so good that eating their Cali Burrito without it would make the burrito incomplete.

On this experience, I rate the Mi Ranchito California Burrito ✭✭✭✭☆. A star is deducted based on experience. The taste was all there, but the size used to be so much bigger. This is still a pretty good ass rating, as I don't see myself giving away any 5 stars. The Mi Ranchito Cali Burrito is a favorite on my list, and may even be the best California Burrito that I have eaten.



Got a taco shop that serves a goodass burrito I should try? Leave a comment.

Lesson Learned

If you want something done you gotta do it yourself. Don't rely on others to do what you should have done a long time ago. You have no one to blame but yourself. Accept the facts and move on.

Star of the Week: Veronique Vega

I barely discovered this latina beauty maybe a year or two ago, and in that time she has grown to become one of my favorites. According to some sites, shes only 20 years old. She's been in the game for two years, and already has been in 50+ movies. I've seen a couple of her scenes, and she doesn't disappoint. She's only 5'4 and her measurements are 34B-24-34.

Burrito Quest 1: Don Gueros' California Burrito

Living in San Diego my whole life, I've grown accustomed to eating Mexican food on a weekly basis. Thinking back, I'd say I've tried my fair share of Mexican taco shops in San Diego. After high school however, I chose to go to school in the Bay Area. Completing my first year of college in the Bay, I'd say that food-wise, this was a bad decision. Aside from everything else, the Mexican food really doesn't compare. So this summer, I decided to dedicate my whole summer in finding the best taco shops that San Diego has to offer. Specificaly, I decided to go on a... Burrito Quest.

I've been home for about two months, with two more months left of Burrito Quest left to go. The first place I went to was suggested by my brother. The place was Don Guero's Mexican Food, formerly known as Echale's Mexican Food, which also used to be a Pizza Hut. Don Guero's is located in South San Diego, near Imperial Beach area. To those more familiar, it is behind St. Charles Church, across the street from Mar Vista Middle, and a few stores down from Rite-Aid.

So I ended up ordering a California Burrito. For those unfamiliar with its greatness, a Cali basically consists of chopped-up Carne Asada, Cheese, French Fries, and depending on the taco shop, guacamole, salsa, and/or sour cream, all wrapped into a tortilla. I personally prefer the carne/fries/guac/sour cream combo that Mi Ranchito uses, but thats for a different quest.

I didn't expect this Cali to be the greatest burrito I've tried. I just had a mean craving for one, and any one would have been satisfying. The California at Don Guero's ended up costing $4.00, which is a decent and average price for one. My burrito was made in about ten minutes, which is a common wait everywhere. This Cali consisted of Carne Asada, cheese, fries, salsa, and guacamole. The size was about 8 inches in length, similar to most burritos elsewhere.

I found this burrito to be just okay. The Carne Asada tasted fine, and the guac and salsa had the right amount. Didn't really taste the cheese, but I usually never do anyways. Don Guero's barely put any fries in my burrito, which was pretty disappointing. The taste was nothing extraordinary, but it did satisfy my California Burrito craving.

Rating Don Guero's California, I give it ✭✭☆☆☆ ,which is alright. Compared to other taco shops which I'd probably give 3 stars, Don Guero's lost a star with their lack of fries. The rest of the burrito was okay, and I'm willing to give this place a second try. If youre in the area and craving mexican, I'd say skip out on Don Guero's and go across the street to Victoria's Mexican Food, which I'll review for another time.





Got a taco shop that serves a goodass burrito I should try? Leave a comment.

The Manget Files: Episode 1

So last night Ted and Barry went to see The Dark Knight and they got there kinda late. The showing was at 8:20pm and they arrived there at 8:25pm. When they walked in the theater to look for some seats, the place was already ass-packed. So they decided to wait for the 8:50 showing. They go straight to that theater and got situated. As start time came closer the place started to fill up real quick.

Ted usually likes to leave an open seat on either side since he's a big dude and likes to take up 1.5 seats. But the place was so packed that some guy comes up and asks if anyone was sitting in the seat next to Ted.

Some Guy: Yo, is anyone sittin' in that seat?
Ted: (looks around first) Naw mang.
Some Guy: Really? It's open? Nobody is sittin' there?
Ted: Yeah.

So the guy comes along the aisle and hops into the seat.

Some Guy: Hey whassup man. My name is Oscar. (sticks hand out for handshake)
Ted: (hesitant to shake hands but sticks hand out anyways) Sup. (Immediately turns to look at Barry with huge eyes and disgusted face while Barry tries to contain his laugh)

And throughout the previews the guy would make comments when a chick would pass by looking for a seat.

Some Guy: (directed towards girl) Heeeeey, you can come and sit on my lap. (chuckling, trying to get a response from Ted)
Ted: (no response, straightest face ever)

The guy was trying to be best friends with Ted but Ted never bit on anything he said. He must have felt the cold shoulder cuz Ted crossed his arms and never responded to anything he said again. And he shut up.

Terminology 101: Manget

Term: Manget
Pronunciation: \man-ˈgit\
Function: noun
Etymology: slang
Date: 21st century

1: like how a magnet attracts metal, a manget is a male who attracts other males.
"Ted is a total manget. He always gets random dudes coming up and talking to him."

Updates: Sin pix

Added photos from this past Saturday HERE.

Slowest Person on a Segway!!!

Do you know this man in the video? This is the slowest person on a Segway! Just watch and listen....

SPA: The 9 Seducer Types

**********************DISCLAIMER**********************

These are excerpts from The Art of Seduction

**********************DISCLAIMER**********************

Sirens: have an abundance of sexual energy
Rakes: adore the opposite sex and their desire is infectious
Ideal Lovers: have an aesthetic sensibility they apply to romance
Dandies: like to play with their image and have an androgynous allure
Naturals: are spontaneous and open
Coquettes: are self sufficient and have a fascinating cool to their core
Charmers: want and know how to please, and they are social creatures
Charismatics: have an unusual confidence in themselves
Stars: are ethereal and envelop themselves in mystery

Which one are you?

Das Wunderkind

The best dance EVER!!!!!

SPA: Looks can be deceiving

So Ted's in bowling league and he sees this youngin' there every week. He finally decides that this is the week he should approach her.

Backstory: She's about 4'10" and has some good thickness. To the naked eye, one would think she's about 16. To Ted's eye, she looks just about right.


So Ted finishes his games and spots the youngin' still bowling. He decides to walk over and see how she's doin.

Ted: I saw you over at the picnic this past Saturday, right?
Youngin': Yeah, you were on the joust thingy.
Ted: Oh yeah, you were right behind us.
Youngin': Boooooooo! (imitating Ted booing a little kid on the joust)

(laughter)

Ted: So what's your name?
Youngin': I'm "Terrie".
Ted: Hi Terrie, I'm "Ted"

(shake hands)

Ted: So who do you know that was at the company picnic?
Terrie: Oh, my Uncle "Wess" works there. You might know him. He's the one with the glasses.
Ted: Naw, there's alot of people that have glasses. Hahahaha.
Terrie: Yeah, true.

("Cary Lane" comes into the picture)

Cary Lane: Did you guys win your games?
Ted: 3 out of 4.
Cary Lane: Lemme see your score sheet.
Ted: Naw, I don't want you to see how sucky I am.
Terrie: I wanna see.

(grabs score sheet)

Cary Lane: Hey, you almost have the same handicap as us.
Terrie: Mine is 70
Cary Lane: Yours is 64, I'm 68.
Ted: So we all suck. We should bowl together.
Cary Lane: Yeah, we should all bowl.
Ted: Yeah, my cousin works here so we can come anytime.
Cary Lane: Which one is your cousin?
Ted: "Valfreno"
Cary Lane: Oh, I had him in a class at Southwestern.

(Ted immediately turns to Terrie)

Ted: Do you go to Southwestern also? (Thinking in his head that she's still in high school, and quite possibly middle school)
Terrie: Oh, no.....I go to......STATE.
Ted: (pleasanntly surprised) Oh snap, I went there too.
Terrie: Oh cool. Are you still there? Or are you done?
Ted: I finished like 3 years ago. So.....are you 21?
Terrie: You know what, it was my 21st b-day like 2 Sundays ago.

(Ted rubs hands ferociously and informs her of upcoming events)


Moral of the story: Looks can be deceiving. Never ASSUME because when you do, you make an ASS out of U and ME.

Random YouTube Video of the Day.

This is a down as chick right here. Joanne of MMA girls.com gets choked unconscious by Marc Laimon at his gym Cobra Kai Jiu-Jitsu in Las Vegas. Do not try this at home! Or do...either way.

Random YouTube Video of the day

Everybody has a price. hahahahahahaha

Terminology 101: Portuguese Breakfast

Term: Portuguese Breakfast
Pronunciation: \pawr-chuh-geez brek-fuhst\
Function: noun
Etymology: slang
Date: 21st century

1. You whisk up some eggs, have her lay down and prop up her ass real high,
take a funnel and pour the eggs in her pussy, then fuck her, and you have just made her "scrambled eggs" aka PORTUGUESE BREAKFAST.

Honey would you like breakfast? Today's special is Portuguese Breakfast.

2. The act of scrambling eggs and eating them from a woman's vagina.

That chick's a freak, she likes Portuguese breakfasts.

Updates

I made some changes to the main page. It's still under construction but you can view what I've done so far. www.culturebullets.com

Terminology 101: Bolshleviks

Term: Bolshleviks
Pronunciation: \ˈbu̇l-ˈshlä-veks\
Function: verb
Etymology: slang
Date: 21st century

1. another term for bullshit, primarily used in the presence of children or the elderly.
Gonzo: I heard you were giving away your guitar for free?
Ted: That's Bolshleviks!!!!! Who told you that?

2. not to be confused with the Bolsheviks, an organization of professional revolutionaries under a strict internal hierarchy governed by the principle of democratic centralism and quasi-military discipline, who considered themselves as a vanguard of the revolutionary proletariat. Their beliefs and practices were often referred to as Bolshevism. The party was founded by Vladimir Lenin, who also led it in the October Revolution.

Terminology 101: Shtoopsh

Term: Shtoopsh
Pronunciation: \ˈshtyüpsh\
Function: verb
Etymology: slang
Date: 21st century

1: calling out how absurd something is.
Damon: What do you call a Filipino girl with one boob?
Ted: What?
Damon: Sue.
Ted: Shtoopsh!

Don't Touch My Mustache

How do you say "You're Welcome" in Japanese?

do-itashi mashite

It sounds like "don't touch my mustache".

I learned that in a segment about Donovan Frankenreiter

The Worst Karaoke Singer In The History Of Karaoke

Have you ever sung karaoke and there was someone who sang the song out of key? Yeah, I know, I do that often. But have you ever had someone sing the lyrics out of time? Yeah, I've run into people doing that a few times. I have experienced one or the other. But never have I experienced a person with both disabilities. Until I was at Barry's house.

It was Barry's little bro's graduation party. There were family and friends around and plenty of good food to go around. Barry and I were singing some stupid love songs and this cat was just watching us. It looked like he had the itch to sing. And we didn't want to be "mic hogs" so we offered him a chance. I had no idea if he would blow us out of the water or what. So Barry hands him a mic and he picks the song Hotel California. I'm thinking in my head "Ok, that's a song that everyone knows and everyone in the house can sing along with. You can't go wrong." I think I deserve a bare ass pressed against my face for that thought.

So I start singing the song with this cat. I'm singing the verses and it sounds like I have an echo. Like a tone deaf echo. I'm pretty tone deaf myself but I freely admit it. So I'm singing the song and after 2 verses and 2 choruses I stop singing. I was a little bit pissed. And I wanted to hear this cat on his own. It sounded like he was reading. It was almost monotone. But the thing is, it's like he couldn't read fast enough. When the lyrics would get highlighted, he would "sing" it one second later. I mean, c'mon now. I gave him the dreaded stink eye for 3 reasons:

1) He "sang" out of tune
2) His timing was off
3) He picked a good song

Honestly, I wanted to give him a spinning roundhouse split kick to the hand holding the mic so it would fly off and land into Barry's hand. I always thought I was bad in karaoke but this cat took it to another level. Respect denied. Go suck off a horse.

An Alcoholics Memories: Captain Cockbeard

***********************Disclaimer***************************
Names have been changed for privacy reasons. And no, they do not rhyme with the real persons name.
***********************Dissmlammer**************************

This story happened about 4-5 years ago. I was throwing a rager at my house and wanted it to be the party of all parties. So I had a keg, beer pong table, flip cup table and I invited all the jerks and degenerates that I knew. The party was a big blur in my head today due to all the alcohol that I've consumed in subsequent years. But from what I do remember it went off without any problems (If you count girls yaking on my bathroom floor and the whole house smelling like liquor as 'not a problem'). After cleaning everything up "Bernie" and I were the only ones left at my house.

as a sidenote: One thing about Bernie is that he pretty much introduced me to drinking as a sport. And also to all the games that come along with drinking. One of those games being the Shaprie game. If you don't know what the sharpie game is then........step your drinking game up hahahaha. Basically, when drinking, the first person to knock out is free game. Get a sharpie and go to town on that persons body. Preferably the face, legs, head and arms. Usually, the end of the game is taking pictures of the sharpie faced person for blackmail purposes or to get them immortalized on the website CollegeHumor.com.

Ok. Now back to the story. Bernie passed out at about 2-230am after we got done cleaning out the crib. He knew the rules when he passed out and yet he still passed out. What most people dont understand is that I am an artist with a sharpie. So, I grabbed the sharpie and like Picasso with a brush I created a masterpiece. I started with the obligatory name writing on the forehead and followed that with the patented swaztika on the back of the neck. hahahaha. I followed all of that with my greatest mastepiece to date.......Captain Cockbeard!!! There's a few steps to making Captain Cockbeard and they are as followed: I drew a full eyepatch....(let me give you time to gather that) yes, a full eyepatch around his right eye complete with the drawn on elastic band going around Bernie's bald head. I followed that with the classic unibrow and a Rollie Fingers/Jack Sparrow curly mustache (by the way mustaches are the greatest thing since sliced bread, but thats a whole other Blog). Then after all this I added the final touch. I started by drawing the shaft of a cock, complete with the veins and balls, across Bernie's cheecks. The Balls were drawn at his sideburns and the shaft ended at Bernie's lips. Just picture that now in your head..............go ahead I'll give you some time to picture that........ OK, if you still can't picture it. The balls and shaft of the cock were not only a beard but also a cockhead going into CAPTAIN COCKBEARDS mouth. All that to go along with the eye patch, unibrow, curly mustache and swaztika. hahahaha.

What's crazy is that this isn't the end of the story. So Capt. Cockbeard was knocked out asleep in the guestroom of my house. It's about 230-3am and a few friends show up to chill after the party. "Barry", "Friostedy", "Yackie", "Bone" and "Pien" show up to kick it. I proceed to show them the great piece of artwork that I've created on Bernie. We were looking at him at laughing for a awhile and then he finally woke up. He got up and we all ran out of the room. He didnt notice anything wrong and he went to the bathroom. He took a leak and then proceeded to wash his hands. After getting done washing his hands he started to walk out of the bathroom and then he looked at the mirror. hahahaha. He then slammed the door to the bathroom and started rubbing off (and destroying) the artwork all over his face. He came out of the bathroom with his face still having alot of smudges of black all over it. He saw all of us sitting on the couchs cracking up and laughing our asses off. The first thing he did as he came out of the bathroom was jump on me. He started to attack me and he happened to wrestle me down to the couch. In the process he elbowed me across the nose and my nose started to gush blood all over my face and his arms.
It was kind of funny cause I told him in a calm voice, "Bernie, my nose is bleeding please stop." Then he stopped turned towards Friostedy, who was laughing uncontrollably, and he grabbd him threw him to the ground and had him in an armlock in about 2 seconds. It was crazy how fast it happened. He continued to crank his arm back and he started yelling at him saying, "Did you do it? Did you do it?". To which Friostedy replied, "No, it wasnt me!!!!!!!!" Friostedy was yelling and it seemed like he was crying. Then Yackie started yelling at Bernie and and trying to persuade him to let Friostedy go. Finally, Bernie let him go, I think he wanted to make sure that he sufficently hurt him enough so that he wouldnt do anything to him again. Even though he had nothing to do with the CockBeard. After he got done making Friostedy cry he turned his attention to the next person who was laughing. Barry was sitting down laughing and Bernie turned to him and simply started choking him. The kind of choke that the Undertaker would do before he would ChokeSlam someone. So he was choking Barry and at the same time asking him, "Did you do this? Huh, MotherFucker. Did you do this?" What was funny was that Barry was being choked so he couldnt even answer the question. After drunk Bernie realized that Barry couldnt answer him because he was choking him he let him go. Barry was trying to say that he didnt have anything to do with what was going on. After all this Bernie simply just walked to the door and said, "I'm going home." Then he just walked out and stumbled home as the GREAT CAPTAIN COCKBEARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE fucking END.

Updates: Launch Party pix

Launch Party photos from BELO have been uploaded.

Oops, I crapped my pants!

**********DISCLAIMER*************
The events in this story may or may not have happened the way it is told here. But it did happen.


The year was 1992 and young Ted was on his way to Universal Studios with the family. They had eggs, spam and rice for breakfast. Ted also munched on a bag of Chippy with his cousins the night before. So stomachs were heavy but it was time to go.

Universal Studios was maybe 2 hours away so at about the halfway point, Ted starts to feel his stomach rumbling. He informs his cousin, the driver, of the situation.

"Can you cork it?"

"No, it's gonna come out!!!!"

So Ted's cousin says he's gonna take the next exit. There ends up being a mall at this exit so they're bound to have a bathroom somewhere. So Ted and his other cousin are walking around the mall looking for the nearest bathroom. Ted is on the brink of explosion knowing that the bathroom is just around the corner. He's already walking with his cheeks clinched tight and at a very slow pace. These two older guys in their mid 30's pass by and notice Ted walking all funny and start cracking up. Ted gets furious and ends up losing control. He exploded in his pants. The bathroom was just around the corner.

It's a good thing the crap was only in his underwear. It didn't seep onto his pants. So Ted just tossed his underwear and went commando for the rest of the day at Universal Studios.

If there is any reason to wear underwear, this is it.

Movie Adventures

So Ted, Barry, and Joel went to the movies last night to watch Hancock. And as they were walking in to the theater, there was this slammin' girl walkin' in front of them. She was wearing this little itty, bitty shirt with her rack hangin' out and some tight ass jeans huggin' a bodacious booty. Ted gives her a solid 9. But yeah, she slows down to talk to someone and the guys walk past her and into the theater. She follows not too far behind. So the guys find their seats and the slammin' chick ends up sitting two rows behind them. The previews are already playing so it's kinda loud in the theater. Ted leans over to Barry and says "Did you see that chicks rack?" And right when Ted says that, the previews end and the theater is dead silent. So pretty much the whole theater heard Ted's comment about the girl. It didn't help that she was sitting 2 rows directly behind the guys. Hahahahahaha.

Buffet Adventures

So it was Barry, Roel, Ted, Damon, and Kari all eating at a buffet one night. There were ridiculous lines so Ted would go and grab some finger food and eat while waiting in line for the regular food. It's a smart idea if you ask me. But after about the 3rd plate, Ted started to feel some gas building up. So he leans into the table and whispers to everyone "I gotta blast" Kari and Damon bring up the fact that there's a little kid within 2 feet of Ted's ass. So Ted says "I can just blame it on the kid then."

So Ted lets one squeeze out but to his surprise it was louder than anticipated. In fact, it was probably the loudest blast that Ted has EVER let out in public. And everyone at the table knew that Ted wasn't expecting it to be that loud by the expression on his face. It was the "uh oh" face when you genuinely mess up and are slightly embarrassed. Ted nearly passed out from laughing so hard.