Seperated at Birth #3

Will Smith and Robert Horry

Seperated at Birth #2

Tracy Morgan and Andrew Bynum

Seperated at Birth #1

Mike Bibby and Mini-Me

Scary Moments #2: Drifting

Isn't it scary when...

...you're driving and you're really effin tired and you're doing everything you can to stay awake. You try opening all the windows. You try blasting the radio. You try turning on the heater full blast. You try turning on the AC full blast. You slap your face. You punch yourself in the nuts. But none of those things help.

The worst part is when you blink really hard and when you open your eyes, you've drifted over a lane or two.

Not that this has ever happened to me. I'm just sayin'...

Scary Moments #1: Rising Waters

Isn't it scary when...

...you flush the toilet after going number poo and the water just keeps on rising. It's even scarier when you do this and it's not your house.

There is no worse feeling than walking into your very own bathroom and seeing a log on the ground. A log that came from someone else.

Not that this has ever happened to me. I'm just sayin'...

Quote of the Week: Big Sausage Pizza

"I don't want your sauce......I just want your sausage!"

So Ted, Wilfredo, Robert, and Tate decided to hit up this joint in North Park called Lefty's Chicago Pizzeria. Wilfredo was the only one who's been there so he wanted us to taste the goodness that he experienced.

So when the pizza came, a big sausage pizza might I add, they all grabbed slices. There was alot of cheese and a grip of tomato sauce. So Wilfredo is not diggin' the amount of sauce on his pizza so he asks Robert "Do you want my sauce?". Robert replies "I don't want your sauce......I just want your sausage!"

Ted quickly puts down his pizza and stares at Robert. The stink eye, death stare. Robert has a confused look on his face and says "What?". Ted whispers "Quote of the week...."

Quote of the Week: Bathroom Edition

"I sat down.....just in case"

So Ted was chillin' in the hotel room with the fellas. There was about 10 of them all there. Ted really needed to go number poo but people were takin' showers and gettin' ready so the bathrooms were occupied. So Ted decided to go down to the lobby and use the bathroom there. Damon also needed to drop a dizzle deuce so he decides to roll, thinking that the lobby has multiple stalls. Well, JD said he really needed to piss also, so he came along for the trip.

Upon entering the lobby Ted and Damon remember that Pritchard and Benn went down to get breakfast so they went to look for them. JD went ahead straight to the pissser. Or so we thought. Ted and Damon couldn't find Pritchard and Ben so they make a b-line for the shitter. Right when they walked into the bathroom, they saw 1 stall and 1 urinal. JD walked in a few moments before them but the urinal was still free. The door to the stall was locked though.

"JD?"

"What?"

"I thought you said you only needed to piss?"

"I did. But I sat down....just in case."

So Ted and Damon start crackin' up. Who does that? Besides women. Sitting down to pee? Just in case? Hahahahahahahaha.

Awkward Moment of the Day: Hotel Room Edition

So there were about 10 of the fellas just chillin' in a hotel room. It might have been early morning because alot of people were still sleeping. Some of the guys just got out of the shower or just finished brushing their teeth and what not and Ted was just chillin' at the table lookin' at random shiite on his laptop. JD just happened to be posted up a few feet away from Ted. He was watching TV and slappin' some lotion on his scaly ass hands. One of the guys walks into the room and asked whoever was awake if they wanted a beer. A few of the guys called for one.

So beers are being tossed back at what seems like 7am. No one was really paying attention to the time. But JD was sittin' on the edge of the bed and he's crackin' open his beer when all of a sudden he goes into panic mode. You know, when someone does something stupid and tries to play it off like nothing happened....those are the funniest moments.

JD is looking around the hotel room and the only person awake that was in front of him was Ted and he was already wide eyed and pointing at JD and holding in his laugh until JD made eye contact with him.

He tried to open his beer and as he cracked open the top, the beer slipped through his fingers and spilled onto the bed. And he tried to pick it up as fast as possible and when he did, he looked left, right, and behind him until he noticed Ted sitting a few feet in front of him looking directly into his eyes with the "you're a mutha f*ckin' dumbass" look. JD immediately tried to explain the situation but there was no explanation needed. It's 7am. You just put lotion(or lube) all over your hands. You're drinking a beer. You spilled it. You tried to hide it. It's all over the bed. You got caught. Hahahahahaha.

Beer + Lotion = FAIL!!!!!!!!

Quote of the Week: Big Boy Edition

"I wonder if they serve cow cock? With hot sauce."

So once again it was Ted, Roel, Damon, and JD cruising along when they spotted a Bob's Big Boy Restaurant. Ted said that he's never eaten there before and asked if anyone else has. Damon responds saying he has and it's kinda like Carrows or Fuddruckers or something. Ted always thought it was kinda like Sonic or another fast food joint not in San Diego. Turns out it's a sit down restaurant. Ted really wanted to try it but he kinda gave up meat for Lent so there was no point in going there.

Well, JD decided to chime in on the conversation and asked "I wonder if they serve cow cock? With hot sauce."

Everyone in the car turns around to look at JD with a disgusted face. Why? Why would you even ask that? Why would you want to know that? And if they did serve it, why would you want to try it? Do you want a c()ck in your mouth that bad? Homo. Hahahahahahaha.

Real Stories: I Love The Smell of _______

So it was Ted, Roel, Damon, and JD driving along the mean streets of Diamond Bar. What the hell is there to do in Diamond Bar? There were no people out. EVER. But anyways, back to the story....As the four of them were cruising around, Ted kept letting them rip in the car. And then Roel would joke that it was starting to smell like bleach in the car.

Later on that day, Ted let it rip again in the car and JD says "Mmmm, it smells like bleach. My favorite scent!" And everyone proceeds to laugh uncontrollably. Then after about 3 seconds, Ted had an epiphany. So the rationale goes like this: Ted farted and it smells like bleach because sperm smells like bleach therefore insinuating that Ted was bufu'd and creampie'd in the bootyhole. So when Ted let one rip and JD said it smelled like his favorite scent, he was basically implying to the entire carload that he loves the smell of sperm. Wow! Double edged sword.....or should I say, double headed dild. Homo. Hahahahaha.

Awkward Moment of the Day: Drive Thru Edition

So it was Ted, Damon, Roel, and JD at the In N Out in Pomona. They ordered their food and posted a seat out back by where the drive thru begins. When they finished their food, they saw a couple guys standing by the drive thru telecom. Keep in mind that this is a drive thru. These guys were wearing khaki pants along with blue blazers. They looked like guys from a prep school. Smart guys.

Well, they stood in front of the drive thru telecom for a good 10 minutes. They scanned the menu and it looked like they were ready to order. And they kept waiting by the drive thru telcom. They even went to the second drive thru telecom and probably waited for another 3 minutes. This is where an employee spotted them and waved them to come to the front where people who don't have cars order their food.

You either gotta be high as shiite or dumber than rocks to pull that move. Judging by their clothes, they were probably high as shiite.

Rebecca Linares

She reminds of this girl I was crushing on in high school. She was in all the Honors and Advanced Placement classes with me. She was even there with me in college. She was my ideal girl: smart, outgoing, quirky, tomboyish, not afraid to eat, well spoken, no makeup and looked sexy without even knowing it or trying.

Awkward Moment of The Day: Bathroom Edition (AGAIN)

So Ted was out this past Saturday at this joint that apparently used host gay nights on Saturdays. Ted never went there during gay nights. This was his 3rd time there ever. The first 2 experiences weren't all that great either. The first time someone pissed from the 2nd floor onto the first right where Ted and his friends were chillin'. The 2nd time, it was deader than a graveyard.

But anyways, back to the story. Ted went into the bathroom cuz he had quite a few drinks. All the urinals are taken except this one in the corner. So Ted quickly goes and occupies it. And as he's handling his business, Ted notices the guy in the urinal next to him glance over. Not once, not twice, but thrice. Immediately Ted is thinking "Gay nights! Damn the gay nights...."! So Ted decides to take extra long at the pisser to ensure that this guy leaves before him. So the guys finishes and Ted wait a cool 15-20 seconds before zipping up. But as Ted goes to wash his hands, the guy is there waiting for Ted and strikes up conversation.

"Are you a wrestler?"

Yes.

"I thought so. Who do you wrestle for?"

CZW.

"CZW?"

It's an independent circuit.

"You're Japanese, right?"

Yes.

"I thought so. You have the traditional hair and everything. But you're a little light so I was kinda sketchy. I'm half Chinese and Vietnamese..."

Ted spots someone he knows and immediately walks towards them:
"Whattup Dward!!!! Thanks for coming out."

"Oh you know it Ted. I got your message and we brought a bunch of people".

Ted turns to the random bathroom gawker guy and says "I'll catch ya later...."

Awkward Moment of the Day: Bathroom Edition

Have you ever been so hungry you could eat a horse? And then in a split second, you saw something utterly disgusting that took away your appetite? Well, Ted was in dire need to drop a hot deuce and he walked into a public bathroom and got the same feeling as losing your appetite but he lost the urge to drop a log. What can cause such a thing? Apparently the person who used the bathroom before Ted didn't have very good aim.....WITH THEIR ASS!!!!!!!!!!!

Awkward Moment of the Day: Parking Lot Edition

So Ted went out to lunch today later than he normally. Due to this, the spot he intended to hit was packed like an ass. So Ted was driving around the parking lot for a cool 5 minutes or so. And after that, he decided to just park half a mile away and walk to where he was going. On his trek to the food destination, Ted runs into some guy who looked like he was lost. He was pacing back and forth in the parking lot. And as Ted got closer he noticed the guy had something in his hand. This turned out to be the alarm for his car and the guy couldn't remember where he parked. Hahahahaha. So he paced a quarter of mile with Ted right behind him laughing so hard in his head. The guy even noticed Ted right behind him and tried to play it off by walking in the other direction and hiding his car keys. But Ted kept looking back every few steps to see if this guy finally found his car. Based on how he was dressed, he looked rich. He probably drove a Jaguar or something. Silly rich bastard.

Distinguished Schools

I actually went to this school for a few years.....

Awkward Moment of the Day: Driving Edition

Have you ever been driving and you glance to the side and make eye contact with the person driving in the lane next to you?

Have you ever been driving and you glance to the side and make eye contact with the person driving in the lane next to you and as your eyes connect, this person just happens to be picking their nose?

Have you ever been driving and you glance to the side and make eye contact with the person driving in the lane next to you and as your eyes connect, it happens to be you that's picking your nose?

What do you do? Do you try to play it off by pulling your finger out really quick, to pretend that you weren't doing what you were doing? Do you just keep digging while maintain eye contact with that person?

Subway Adventures

So it was Valentines Night and it was Ted, Barry, and Roel running a muck in the streets of Downtown. The night was kinda lame with all the lonely, somethings gotta be wrong with them to be single, drunken girls trying to get any man's attention. They didn't fall for any traps. But they did run into the vampire. The vampire has mad beef with Ted. I guess Ted called him out on his shenanigans and the vampire took offense maybe because Ted was right. So they got beef and this was the first encounter since the beef. Well, the vampire pretended like Ted wasn't even there and tried to act all jolly and gay. He did a good job, with the gay part.

But at the end of the night, they happened to pass by Subway and it was still open. So Roel, being the drunk that he is, decided it would be a good idea to order double the meat on his sandwich. As the chick is piling the meat on his sandwich, everyone can all see that the mound is pretty massive. How the hell can someone eat that? Hahahahaha. You've got to be used to opening your mouth real big on a nightly basis to manhandle that sandwich.

So it was Ted's turn to order. He hesitated for a second and then said "Uhhhh....lemme get the Oven Roasted Chicken Breast footlong on Italian Herbs and Cheese please!" faster than the Micro Machines man when he says "If it doesn't say Micro Machines, then it's not the real thing!". Everyone stopped and looked at Ted and they were all like "Whoa....whoa, that was fast!" And Ted responded with "What? This is my first time here..." Laughter ensues. Even the sandwich lady is laughing.

Jenni Lee

Here's one of my old favorites. I don't remember exactly when I discovered her. I think it was around the time when people began to realize Bang Bus was fake circa 2005. The scene I first saw her in was with this green, furry rug. I think it was from bigmouthfuls. Nonetheless, I like white girls.

Hallucinate without drugs

Click on the picture for a more detailed account....

9five: The Majors

9five Eyewear Spring 2009 Promo from 9five on Vimeo.

Kayden Kross

I recently discovered this starlet when doing some research for our next road trip: Vegas! She's someone I'm looking forward to meeting this weekend. And if you don't know, this weekend is the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas. Come swing by if you got some free time. It's over at the Sands Expo at the Venetian. It's always a good time. This will be my 4th consecutive year going. Did I mention that I love white girls?

Take The Logic Test

This test gives a few statements and all you have to do is mark whether it is valid or invalid. http://www.think-logically.co.uk/lt.htm I got 100%. I didn't think I would.

Awkward Moment of The Day: Playoff Edition

So it was Ted, Roel, Damon, and Wilfredo at the Chargers vs. Colts playoff game and when Sproles scored the winning TD, the whole place went berzerk. Everyone was giving high-5's to everyone. And these were proper high-5's. (Refer to older blog posts for an explanation) Well, the fellas like to wait til the crowd dies down before trying to exit the stadium and this game was no different. It was more packed than usual since this was a playoff game and no one decided to leave early, like they do during the regular season. Well, in the madness of the win, some random guy comes up to Ted and just gives him a bear hug. And then proceeded to go down the line and hug everyone else. This was totally uncalled for. Random guys do NOT give bear hugs to other random guys. High-5's are acceptable. Bear hugs can only be given if you know each other. Other than that, this is grounds for getting punched in the face. But since it was a Charger fan doing the bear hug and we did just win a huge game, no punches were thrown.