Memoirs of An Alcoholic: Getting Grandma in Bed?!?

This is an old blog but a funny one. so enjoy.
From: Wednesday, June 21, 2006

An eventful night.


"Jeremy" gets beligerent (hilarity ensues)

So "Jeremy" called me up last night to go out with him and his homegirls "Rox" and "Eva". I usually like to do my partying from Thurs-Sat just cause I got work on the weekdays and me going into work drunk isnt fun. It was a tuesday but when Jeremy calls, no matter what I'm doing, or the situation, I am always down because he and I normally don't party together. I specifically asked where we were going that night due to my general disdain for a unnamed bar and grill (hah). But go figure, he says we are going to the afformentioned bar and grill. We cruise over to Rox and Eva's house and start the pre-drinking. Rox pulls out a fresh bottle of Hennessy and we begin to take shots. If anyone knows Jeremy they know that he is a novice drinker. So starting with shots of Hennessy for him was probably not the best idea (foreshadowing). After we kill about 1/3 of the bottle we decide to get on our way.

We make it to the bar and grill and amazingly for a Tuesday night it's pretty wild. There was a super long line to get in but the homegirl Rox has some dope hookups so we simply just walk up to the front of the line. She hugs one of the bouncers and talks with him for a bit and then points out all of us who are in her party. I gotta admit, it was kinda cool walking up to the front of the line and getting in for free. Whilst all the douche bags and ugly girls were waiting in line like a bunch of saps.

We get in and immediatly go to the bar. This is the kind of place that you have to be drunk in order to enjoy yourself. So, to get the party started quicker I order up 4 Long Islands, 2 were for me and the other 2 were for Jeremy. I chug one and decide to take a look around the dance floor for bitches. To my amazement I see a platinum blond white girl with large breasts and a good body dancing alone but with some of her girlfriends. Upon closer examination, I realize that she looks real familiar. Some guy standing next to me says the same thing and adds, "She's a Playboy model." I started to recognize and remember her and realized it was Hugh Hefner's girlfriend, Kendra. Have you ever seen that show about Hugh Hefner and his 3 girlfriends? I think it's on channel 49. Well the only reason I remember this chick is cause she is a San Diego Charger fan and a super hot one at that. So after a few minutes of eye fucking the shit out of her we get more drinks. At this point Jeremy being the novice drinker he is, is stumbling around already. I immediatly realize that he is going to get so shit-faced tonight and that I need to "Lock it up". Rox intorduces us to a few of her friends, whose names I cant seem to recall and we begin dancing. It was weird cause it was Jeremy and myself dancing with 4 girls and the dance floor was somewhat empty. All the douche bag saps stood around on the wall watching us in envy. After that the night went on pretty uneventful sorta like this dancing, bar, dancing, bar, bathroom, dancing, bar.

Here's the cool part of the story. So I come back from a bathroom trip to see Jeremy dancing with the 4 girls while some short black dude trys to get in on the action. I walk up and look at the situation and I basically jump in on the action in front of the short black dude and after almost cock blocking him I realize that its DARREN SPROLES from the San Diego Chargers. HAHAHAHA So I started talking to him and we were just shooting the shit. Pretty cool guy but really short. HAHA I asked him who he was with and he points over to a tall light skinned black dude. I look over and see VINCENT JACKSON dancing with some ugly white chick. Which was wierd cause hes a goddamn professional athelete and can probably pull in better pussy than that. But whatever, we were watching Jeremy freaking 2 chicks to the ground and I remember having a drunken conversation with Darren Sproles it went something like this:

"Roel": Yo, I know who you are man. But I wont tell everyone.

Sproles: Aight, cool.(laughs)

Roel: You gonna dance with some bitches.

Sproles: (points over to Jeremy freaking 2 girls) Yeah thats looking cool.

Roel: Just point out any of the bitches in here and I'll get her for you.

Sproles: Aight man cool (laughs then walks over to some bitches.)

So after that interesting conversation the club is about to close and Jeremy is shit-housed drunk. Apparently, the few times that he and I weren't together he was on a drunken rampage. Taking shots with some girls he knew from way back in high school and drnking way more than his tolerance level could handle. We walk outside and Jeremy can barely walk upright. So I basically have to hold him up as we walk towards the car. There was cops everywhere and he was acting beligerent. So I basically had to walk side by side with him holding him up so he wouldnt a) fall on his face. b) go on a beligerent spree and do something stupid to get arrested. As we walk to the car he sees some people looking at him in his drunken state.

Jeremy says, "FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! Dont you know who I am? I'm JEREMY FUCKING BLANKS!"

He repeats this to anyone and everyone within the general vicinity of us. At this point I'm coherent but somewhat drunk. and as I look around the parking lot I realize that I can't find the car. For some reason I was looking in the wrong parking lot hahaha. So I am looking around and all of a sudden I think to myself...where the fuck is Jeremy? I look around and I can't see him. So as I frantically look around for his beligerent ass I see someone whos just flat out laying on the ground. Low and behold it's Jeremy. Passed out on the sidewalk next to the parking lot. I rush over and scrape him off of the floor and then BINGO I see Rox's ride.

We went back to Rox's house to get some cup-of-noodles and to kick it for a bit. While rox makes us some cup-o-noodles Jeremy takes this time to make an ass of himself. He says that he has to use the bathroom and then disappears. I look down the hallway and see him walking into Rox's room. I tell Rox that Jeremy is walking into her room probably looking for somewhere to pass out. Normally this wouldnt be a problem but Rox tells me that her grandma was inside there sleeping. I run over to the room to stop Jeremy but to no avail. He had jumped onto the bed and passed out in no time flat. I look around for Rox's grandma and she had just walked out of the bathroom. The look of shock on her face was priceless. Some random guy jumps onto her bed while shes in the bathroom and she walks out and immediatly sees him passed out on the bed. HAHAHAHA I could only imagine what that poor old woman was thinking. After that Jeremy defiled Rox's kitchen sink with his explosion of vomit. Even after I explicitly told him to use the bathroom as his vomit catcher. After that I think Rox had had enough of drunk Jeremy so I took it upon myself to whisk that bastard out of there.

Jeremy was so drunk that I took his keys and brought it upon myself to drive us home. Mainly cause I wanted to drive his car. Let me tell you something he has a phat ride. A convertible two seater benzo. I took that fucker for a fucking joy ride. Just imagine that its 3am and some douche bag is driving with the top down going about 120mph, bumpin some lil jon, with some guy passed out next to him. Thank god there were no cops out. I drive home and usher Jeremy into the extra bed in my house and he immediatly passes out.

I wake up in the morning to the sounds of either a)someone taking a o-ring busting dump or b) someone vomiting the whole contents of their stomach. Needless to say the answer is B. As I write this Jeremy is right behind me passed out. Only waking for his short trip to the bathroom to throw-up and then passing out again.

All in all it was a fun night. Saw hot playboy girl, met short football player and took pictures as my friend was laying on the sidewalk passed out in PB. If you are reading this "Jeremy" yes there are pictures. MUHAHAHAHahahHAHAhAHAhHAhAAAAAaaaA

(Names have been changed to protect the privacy of all those poor saps involved....HAHAHAHAH)

THE END.....MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!!